It's not the dog, it's you! A simple way to stop leash reactivity

First published on positively.com and reprinted here with permission

Well, the dog started it.

But now you are making it worse (although you really, really don’t mean to).

What am I talking about?

It’s when you’re walking your dog, and your charming, delightful, sweet family dog transforms into a nasty, snarling, barking hooligan.

Just because she spotted another dog.

It’s utterly baffling to you - you feel embarrassed and frustrated. You love your dog and you hate the looks people are giving you, down their noses, clearly thinking your dog is horrible!

I know, because I’ve been there too.

But there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. It may have started recently or it may have been going on (and getting steadily worse) for ages. Either way, breathe a sigh of relief, because we can change things!

Let me explain first why your dog is doing what she’s doing.

Aren’t all dogs meant to be friendly?

Even the mildest dog can have a fear-reaction to something - and Spaniels, Labradors, you-name-its, are just as likely as any other breed to become fearful of dogs or people.

It may be something new, something invading her space, something that is sending out danger signals. It’s how both we and the dog deal with this that will dictate whether this now becomes a new behaviour pattern or whether your dog says “Ah well,” and moves on.

Dogs have an intricate body language of which many of us are blissfully unaware. Just like us, they don’t launch into a strong reaction to something - they start with subtle signals and work their way up if those signals are ignored.

Dogs don’t bite “out of the blue” - it’s just that no-one noticed them politely saying “Excuse me, but I’m not happy about the way you’re staring at me.”

Just as you would shuffle away if a stranger sat close beside you on a bus, a dog will avert his gaze, turn his head away, turn his body away, lick his lips, yawn - amongst other things - to show that he’s anxious and he’s not a threat to the other dog.

If that stranger on the bus persisted in leaning on you, you wouldn’t pull a knife on him! Depending on your personality you may get up and move, you may shout, you may appeal for help from the other passengers. You would gradually escalate your response as you found that your polite signs were not working - only when you feel seriously threatened does your knife come out!

So if another dog is staring at your dog - even worse, coming straight towards her - your dog will be going through her entire repertoire of calming signals in an attempt to persuade the dog that she’s not a threat and the other dog should stop advancing right now. If her messages are not heeded, then she has no option but to bring out the heavy artillery and “shout” at the other dog, putting on an immense display of power and fury and teeth to keep him away.

So when we walk our dog along the road and see another walker and dog coming the other way, we are putting our fearful dog in a difficult position.

If we then do what so many people do, consciously or unconsciously - that is to tighten the lead as soon as you see the dog - you are a) telling your dog that something is about to happen and you are anxious, and b) preventing her from giving any of her calming body signals! It’s hard to look shy and inconspicuous if someone is holding your head up in the air.

Read this post all about Dog Body Language

Keep your distance!

Add to this that dogs have a very strong idea about personal space. As indeed do we - only a dog’s personal space is way bigger than ours! The more frightened she is, the bigger her worry area will become, until a dog appearing in the far distance can be enough to trigger an outburst.

So while we may feel comfortable walking towards another person along a narrow pavement hemmed in by hedges and parked cars, your anxious dog will most definitely not feel comfortable! Heading in a straight line towards a strange dog is both rude and threatening for your dog (and for the other dog, too).

We are unwittingly stirring up a situation by expecting our dogs to conform to our social norms.

So what can I do?

Once you appreciate that your dog is not being nasty or suddenly turning aggressive - rather she is afraid - you can see things from her perspective.

Dogs do what works. And up to now, barking and lunging on the lead has worked, to an extent. Either the other owner thinks “That’s a nasty dog,” and moves away, or you - in your embarrassment and confusion - get outa there yourself.

So quite often, barking and making a to-do have caused the progress towards another dog to stop.

Action Steps

So here’s a plan:

1. Avoid narrow paths, alleyways, and “tunnels” - be they tunnels of fences and parked cars, or tunnels of bracken and hedgerow.

2. Walk in the middle of fields, rather than hugging the hedge.

3. As soon as you see another dog, your first response should be to relax your hands, exhale, and look around for an exit strategy - the exact opposite of what is probably happening now (clutching the lead with a vice-like grip, sharp intake of breath, rising panic, trying to make your dog sit . . .)

4. Calmly and cheerfully ask your dog to turn with you (be fun and exciting, not anxious and stern), and head away: cross the road, go down a turning - in some way get away from the advancing dog.

5. Congratulate your dog (and yourself!) warmly for the calmness you’ve both shown in the face of a big challenge.

6. Let your dog know that she never has to meet another dog again, as you will always move away.

7. Remember that Distance is Your Friend.

With this plan in hand there’ll be no need for you to walk only at The Hour of The Difficult Dog. You’ll no longer be avoiding other dogs - rather you’ll be positively looking out for them so you can practice your new-found skills. 

Yes, I did say that - it’s really true!

And if you don’t believe me, see what Scruffy the Jack Russell Terrier’s owners said:

“Scruffy used to become frantic and scrape at the floor to get towards any dog he saw, even at a great distance. This was embarrassing and stressful. He is now able to look at other dogs and move away with us to continue his walk. This is a massive improvement in just a few weeks. It means that we no longer avoid dogs, but in fact go out looking for them so that we can work on his training.”

And the world will begin to see your lovely, affectionate and clever dog as you see her.

You may think I’m oversimplifying this, but if half the team gets it together then this is a great start and can stop things going further downhill.

Give this plan a try and tell me in the comments below what you have found.

Oh, and If your dog has bitten, you should acclimatise her to love wearing a basket muzzle to ensure that everyone is safe.

Do you have a dog, or a “rescue dog”?

There’s so much of what we do with our dogs that is down to us. Often the dog doesn’t have to do a thing - it’s a question of changing our mindset.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer

 AND THEN you can change the way you find solutions.

Many of you write to me and introduce your dog as a “rescue dog”. I hear it all the time.

NO!

As soon as that dog comes through your door, he’s YOUR dog! His history - if you have the truth, which is not all that likely - may be useful in unravelling a few of his mysteries.

But what went before is not of much help to us now.

We start from where we are

You have to ask yourself why you refer to your dog as a Rescue Dog?

Is it because of the sympathetic “Ahhh” you get from other people?

Or are you perhaps saying that anything bad he does is not your fault?

Supposing you had an adopted daughter. Would you introduce her as “This is Miranda. She’s adopted.”

NOOOO! Of course you wouldn’t!

You’d say “this is Miranda, she loves swimming.”

If you say “she’s adopted,” you’re abdicating responsibility for how she is.

You’re saying you didn’t have anything to do with her earlier life so you can’t be blamed for her poor behaviour.

Can that be why you maintain that your dog is a rescue dog? Even after all these years? Some of you have had your “rescue dog” for 5 - 8 - 10 years!

The celebrated Veterinary Behaviourist Karen Overall says:

“What we call something matters because it shapes how we think of it.” Karen Overall

 You don’t want to think of your daughter as a changeling for all of her life. And you don’t need to see your dog as a “rescue”, or give him any more labels to explain away his behaviour as something carved in stone. 

What words can I use?

I’ll often suggest a different wording to describe something. This is entirely because I want you to SEE it differently. 

Maybe you call your dog stubborn, or obstinate, or dominant, or just plain difficult?

Every time we pin a label on our dog we are making another judgment.

There are a number of trendy new labels doing the rounds at the moment - which suggest that your dog is fixed in his responses - unchangeable because that’s the way he is. That he’s born with a certain mindset or outlook on life, and is incapable of change.

This is as absurd as thinking Miranda can never grow up to be a fulfilled human being because she had a rocky start.

How many shy children, for example, grow up to become public speakers, or capable professionals?

I mention shy, reactive, anxious, or aggressive dogs. These are all very different! Your dog may be one and not any of the others.

Now it does help to have something to indicate that the dog doesn’t necessarily behave as people expect dogs to.

Growly Dogs (don’t we love ‘em!)

This is why I use the term GROWLY. It describes a symptom rather than a disease.

It describes what the dog is DOING, not what the dog IS.

I’m going to say that again, to be sure that you GET IT: 

It describes what the dog is DOING, not what the dog IS.

It doesn’t ascribe motive or reason - it simply says that growly - uncomfortable - is how this dog may respond.

So I’d like you to take a look at all the labels you attach to your dog. What they are, when you use them, and - most importantly - WHY?

If you truly want to change how things are with your Growly Dog - or any dog, for that matter - you won’t want to stick him in a box, seal it, stamp it, and say “That’s it.”

The way is always open for us to change, and changing our perception is the first step.

For more help with changing your thinking, check out www.beverleycourtney.com/blog/the-winds-will-blow

Want to leave your dog’s history behind and start a new life together? Start with this free Masterclass, and talk to me in the chat. I WILL understand you, and I will respond and help you as best I can.

Want to know your biggest mistake?

Want to know your biggest mistake? 

It's thinking your difficult dog's behaviour is All. Your. Fault.

Don't you know that blaming yourself is not going to help one bit? or blaming the shelter, that dog in the park, your family, or your dog!

The only thing that will move you forward is understanding. Understanding what's going on with your Growly Dog, and knowledge. Knowing how to change it.

It's really as simple as that!

Loadsa money

But people try to make it appear complex and difficult, to make you think you can't do it on your own, that you have to pay them loadsa money to do things to your dog, giving you methods without explaining anything to you - the person the dog lives with! - as if your dog is broken and needs fixing.

Some trainers will suggest methods that go against your better judgment, your heart.

You got your dog as a companion, to love, to nurture, to share your life - not to punish and abuse.

I'm here to tell you that it is all absolutely unnecessary

There's no need to resort to mediaeval practices - things that are not allowed to be done to people! - in order to get your dog to behave.

In fact, the longer you're asking whywhywhy, beating yourself up, questioning yourself, and trying to put extreme tactics in place, the longer your dog will remain unchanged.

Some of the things you'll be told to do to your dog will actually make her worse. You see, many people, including - sadly - many so-called "dog trainers", think that your dog is being difficult, stubborn, aggressive, wilful - you name it.

Whereas in fact your dog is just AFRAID! 

Your dog is not bad, she’s just afraid.

Do things look different now?

Suppose that you were afraid of spiders. If I shut you in a room full of spiders would you be LESS afraid, or confirmed in your belief that spiders are all BAD?

I know how I’d feel!

But you’ll be relieved to know that you can carry on loving your dog. 

You can continue to see her as your companion. Someone to look after and protect.

And you can still get the change you want, so that your dog - whether anxious, hyper, shy, aggressive - or just plain GROWLY - can become easier to walk, easier to handle, easier to trust - easier to love again.

Hear what Elle said about her damaged rescue dog who was getting steadily worse with several dog trainers:

“Thanks to you and your thorough, kind, humane and effective methods, we have come a long, long way. I never dreamed that we would have been able to come as far as we have. I am thrilled. 

Thanks to you, we are a beautiful work in progress and we have been able to establish an abiding, deep, and loving bond of trust which brings us joy each and every day…”

Want to restore your bond of trust with your dog and make it “abiding, deep, loving, and joyful”?

 I’ll be bringing you more over the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned.

 We can do this together! 

And to get started straight away with lessons to help your Growly Dog cope with our world, watch our

free Masterclass for Growly Dogs

The past is ancient history

What happened yesterday is as gone as what happened a thousand years ago. Going over and over it won't change it. Today is our only reality.

There’s no “What if”s and “What did he mean by that”? There's only what happened - and that's gone now. Your perception will change as you pore over it and your version of what happened may be very different from someone else's version.

But here's the danger point.

You may ascribe all sorts of reasons and causes:

🧑🏼‍🦰 Did he do that because he doesn't like me?

🧑🏼‍🦰 Did she say that because it's true?

🧑🏼‍🦰 Is it because I'm no good?

🧑🏼‍🦰 Ugly?

🧑🏼‍🦰 Too young?

🧑🏼‍🦰 Too old?

And if it's about your dog:

🐶 Is he doing that on purpose?

🐶 Is he being stubborn?

🐶 Is he defying me?

🐶 Is he scheming against me?

🐶 Does this mean I'm a useless dog owner?

Our minds can run away with us, but it doesn't alter what happened.

We can only operate in the present moment. That's the only time we have.

Our thoughts create our feelings and it doesn't matter if those thoughts are right or wrong, as long as they help you.

Better questions lead to better answers!

So try starting with some better questions:

❓Could I have done anything differently?

❓Did my dog act this way from fear?

❓Does my dog need more help from me and how can I help him more?

Whenever we ask a negative question, we tend to get a negative answer. "Am I a useless owner?" Yes, you must be, since you ask.

So only ask questions which will bring you helpful answers! Then you can be sure your thoughts are helpful ones.

How does all this affect your relationship with your dog? Just the same as your relationship with anyone else!

If you ascribe evil motives to something your dog is doing, then you are naturally going to blame him and think that he lies there in his basket dreaming up new and terrible ways to shame you.

Of course he doesn’t! He's just a dog. He just does.

You know that really?

So don't let your mind run away helter-skelter with a lot of unhelpful nonsense.

Something happened. That's all. And it's up to us what we make of it. If we want to make it a big thing - a drama - then we're going to feel bad, upset, worried. But if we just see it as something that happened, see it as information for us, we can learn from it and move on.

So rather than “I’m a useless dog-owner with a difficult dog who doesn't like me”. how about “Oh, my dog barked at that dog. I will avoid dogs for a few days to give him a break.”

Dwelling in the past is not conducive to moving forward with fresh eyes, fresh ears and new experiences.

I'm on a mission to change the world, one dog at a time. Will your dog be one of them?

If this line of thinking chimes with you, have a look at my other blog at www.beverleycourtney.com/blog - I think it may appeal to you!

THE FRUSTRATION OF THE GROWLY DOG OWNER: IT’S NOT OTHER FOLKS’ FAULT THAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND

First published on positively.com and reprinted here with permission

“Could he not SEE that my dog was upset?”

“My dog was on lead and under control - it was his dog that was out of control!”

“Why, oh why, do people let their ‘friendly’ dogs invade the space of my fearful, reactive dog, and then blame me for being a useless dog-owner with a nasty dog?”

Anyone who works with Growly Dog owners - owners of shy, anxious, reactive, or aggressive, dogs - is familiar with these cries! 

Yes - it’s so frustrating when you’re doing everything right for your dog: keeping him calm; keeping your distance from things he fears; keeping out of the way of other dogs, or bikes, or people … and another person lets their dog rampage up to your on-lead dog!

At first, you may not be sure whether this is an exuberant, over-friendly, approach - or something more sinister. Is this dog going to attack mine? How can I get away? Oh no!

Your heart is now racing, your dog is now lunging and barking - the whole thing is a sorry mess! And what does the other person do?

Well, usually, nothing. (They have no recall, so they’re not going to follow your plea to “Call your dog please!” and demonstrate how useless they are!)

If you’re lucky you won’t get abused or reviled. But sometimes they can’t stop themselves!

“You ought to control that dog.”

“That dog is nasty - you should muzzle him before he attacks someone.”

“My dog is friendly - it’s your dog that’s the problem.”

And so on, they go.

It’s enough to make you cry. And often that’s exactly what happens. No-one likes their dog to “show them up”, and no-one likes being sneered at, talked down to, or threatened. I absolutely sympathise if this has brought you to tears.

Is there a danger of dog owners dividing into camps of “them” and “us”?

But let’s have a look at what’s going on here.

Many people, and that includes many dog-owners, have no conception that dogs have feelings too. They seem to think that all dogs will get along with each other, and that their dog barging in to play with another dog is totally ok.

Supposing they were having a family picnic. How would they feel if some strange children landed in the middle of it, kicking over the food and drinks, and snatching the bats and balls and playing with them themselves? I don’t think they’d be best pleased, and may well express their feelings to the other children’s parents.

So why do these same people think it’s absolutely ok for their dog to rampage about and approach other dogs uninvited?

I think they simply don’t realise. But some education needs to happen. These same people whose dogs are flying about annoying others could well be pillars of society once they leave the dog park. They could be considerate, allowing diversity of thoughts and opinions, concerned to let children fit in and express themselves as they are. But sadly they don’t afford the same consideration to dogs.

I guess they think that all dogs are the same.

Or that all dogs should be the same.

They don’t understand that gentle, loving, affectionate dogs can be forced to show aggression and panic when confronted by their tearaway.

It’s up to the Growly Dog owner to do his best to protect his dog from unwelcome advances, and it’s up to the “friendly” dog owner to teach his dog some manners and restraint.

So for the Growly Dog owner

1. Keep your distance.

2. Seek out quiet places and times to walk your dog where you’re unlikely to meet other dogs.

3. Give your dog a break from stressful walks - only walk her when you’re confident of a calm time.

4. Understand that it’s not the fault of the other owner if they don’t understand what you’re going through. We often don’t understand something until we go through it ourselves. Maybe they will never understand until they get a shy, anxious, reactive dog themselves - then the light will dawn!

5. Be patient with them when they don’t respond to your cries of “Please put your dog on a lead, my dog is afraid!” You need all your presence of mind to help your dog.

And for the “My dog is friendly” owner

1. Respect the space of other dogs and their owners.

2. If another owner is struggling to restrain his leashed dog while your unleashed dog dances around them - please race in to collect your dog!

3. In fact, when you are approaching a dog on lead, put yours on lead too.

4. Put your phone away and focus on what your dog is doing.

5. Always keep your dog within a few yards of you so that you can practice your recalls.

6. Notice how other dogs behave, and rejoice in the individuality and diversity of our best friends.

Meanwhile, both the boisterous dog and the shy dog could do with a bit of help!

Get your free email course which gives you information and strategies about how to improve walks with your dog - whatever his personality.

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Dogs and cats - why not have both?

Dogs and cats are traditionally seen as arch-enemies: think of all those cartoons featuring frenetic cat-chases! But I've found that once introduced with care, my dogs and cats get along really well together. You can see Cricket and Squeak sharing a bed here, a common sight as they enjoy each other’s company - and body-heat. And Cricket is a sighthound - bred to chase and kill small fluffies.

It all depends on how you introduce the dogs and cats in the first place. If you're starting with a puppy, and using the methods in this post, the dog and cat situation will always be under your control as the pup will be in his crate, out of harm's way, whenever you're not there.

So you can let the cat discover the puppy in a casual way - very often simply appearing to ignore what's going on is the best policy. Let both dog and cat know that they don't need to be jealous of one another. Feeding and fussing over the older animal first is a good way to reassure him. In any case, an early scratch on the puppy's nose from the cat will probably ensure that she lives a peaceful life from then on!

Here baby Tip has a game with Christmas the cat, who is delighted with this new arrival! Dogs and cats are usually fascinated by any newcomer to the household, and they're ready to play as soon as they get the chance. Of course you have to supervise any play between dogs and cats while either is tiny.

Kalamazoo’s owner was worried that when puppy Bobbi arrived, fur would fly. But just using what I suggest here worked wonders. You can see them both enjoying a little winter sun together in the garden

A new kitten, an older dog

Then to introduce a kitten to an adult dog - just reverse the process! Put the kitten, with her bed and litter-tray, in your dog's old crate. The kitten is now protected from any unwanted attention when you're not around. Once the novelty of the new arrival has worn off, you'll be able to let both dogs and cats mosey along together.

If you have taught your dog that you decide the House Rules, he'll be happy to go along with your wishes - and your wishes will clearly state that Cat is not on the menu.

The last kitten to arrive here (don't they just drift in, shortly after you've decided on NO MORE cats?) was the one to initiate most of the rough-and-tumbles with the dog she selected as her special friend. Indeed she still does.

The play between dogs and cats can get quite rough at times, and we have regular chases through the house, but it's all well-meant, and no-one ever gets damaged. If this kind of dogs and cats rough-and-tumble happens often, you may just want to move the more delicate family heirlooms to a higher shelf . . .

I've had several cats that like to come on walks with us, and one who will intercept me on the road, ambushing the dogs from behind a tree or wall. Then she'll stand in the middle of the pavement, barring our way and sniffing the dogs' noses. This always astonishes passers-by, who don't realise it's our cat!

One of the terrific advantages of bringing up dogs and cats together is that I never have to fear for my dogs' behaviour if we visit a friend who has cats, and there's less chance of my cats getting chased under a car by a neighbour's dog.

Older dog, older cat

What about introducing an older dog into a household with a resident cat? This happens a lot when people rescue a dog. The shelter may say the dog is ok with cats, but it’s honestly very hard for them to judge any dog’s behaviour in the artificial shelter set-up.

The first thing to do is ensure safety for the cat, while you assess the level of risk from the dog. Keeping them safely apart most of the time to begin with, you can gradually countercondition your dog to the existence of the cat.

The key to making this all work is to change your dog’s emotional response to the cat, rather than trying to reason with him and tell him off. We go into detail on these methods of counter-conditioning in our online courses.

Here’s an explanation of how and why counter-conditioning works

It isn’t limited to fearful responses, it works on any emotion.

Baby gates and playpens are terrific for containing your new dog in an area. And always ensure your cat not only has access to higher ground and can get out of trouble fast, but also have a separate cat-entry for the house. A cat flap or window will do nicely.

Up till she was 17 Squeak the cat would do some serious mountaineering to clamber over the shed and garage, hop onto the conservatory roof then scramble up 12 inches to get through my bedroom window, and if it was raining, drop in a soggy heap onto my bed. Now we’ve moved we have a fully-operational cat flap, so the 19-year-old can get in and out rather more easily.

I have seen wonderful cat cities “in the sky” which people have built in their homes - a series of ladders, platforms, tunnels and walkways that only the cat can reach. They don’t take up a lot of space as they use the upper area of an otherwise blank wall. It certainly makes a change from generic wall-art!

When he was very young, my son made “Cat Flats” - a series of interlinking cardboard boxes with small doors and tunnels. His cat Rosemary loved it!

The More Dogs and Cats, the Merrier

Lacy is the Cat Monitor here. I never have to worry about where the old - now deaf - cat is, as Lacy Always Knows. Here she’s checking the cat out first thing in the morning. A quick sniff and on her way again.

All in all, having dogs and cats in the household makes life more fun. Having at one stage had four dogs and six cats, I know that to be so. The same can be said for chickens, goats, budgerigars . . .

There's no reason why dogs and cats can't get on as they do with any other inmates of the house. But if you are really in fear for your cat's life when you get a new dog, then get some professional help from a qualified force-free animal trainer or behaviourist. That's so worth doing - you will find your life improves immeasurably once you have a dog you can trust, and you and your poor cat’s anxiety levels can go down.

And if you’re wondering about what to do when your dog wants to chase other cats, outside, check out this post about growly and reactive dogs, and its associated guidance.

Some dogs have a very strong prey drive. Cricket the Whippet is one, naturally. But she knows that cat is not the same as rabbit, small dog is not the same as small deer. There’s no problem.

If you re-home a dog who has been trained already to chase and kill small things, like an ex-racing greyhound, or a working farm terrier, you may or may not succeed in making the new dog safe around your cats. Read this article about the reassurance of a muzzle.

and link it

If you have cats already, an ex-racer or working ratter may not be the dog for you. Though I do know people who have decided to spend the necessary time, and are prepared to live with the restrictions, to make it work.

Want some help getting this right?

Watch our free workshop and teach your dog to listen!